Its been a while since our home became an empty nest, with both kids away at college. The new endless silence in the house, brought about a conspicuous lack of (ever-interrupted) conversation, of carefully drafted and patiently delivered speeches about the "uncool" mom, of eye-rolling and lip-curling sneers, absence of in-house tech support , a hiatus in my role as arbitrator of disputes pertaining to whose turn it would be walking the dogs, carrying the groceries from the car and other matters of gravitas . No further summons came from the school authorities over matters of disciple (or lack thereof) of the kids, the house master no longer needing to inform me that he was personally offended by the one choosing to look out of the window a good part of his school day.
I passed through the several mandatory stages of grief and heartache, but life did totter back to a stage of being comfortably numb. I purged the house of loads of electronics and toys, old clothes, discarded textbooks and peeling- off- the- wall posters and got on with making it a calmer and (figuratively)quieter place. My own room was transformed to a sanctuary of sorts, with my art table set up for some mindful meditation, my bed calm and soothing with a neatly arranged stash of books at hand. But even the dogs appeared bored with the same ol’ home and garden which now had the fun quotient of a vegan yoga retreat. it was therefore with great pleasure and relief that we welcomed the kids back for their holidays a few weeks ago.
I thought they had set out to becoming zoologists and engineers – to make the world a better place and all. It may be part of a grand plan not revealed to me yet but the two more closely resemble rock stars in their current habits than the altruistic scholars they set out to be. Not for them any walk around the garden with a magnifying glass and an encyclopedia of insects, or checking under the hood of the car or changing a wheel or two (engineers gonna engine?) . They stay up all hours of the night, sleep only at the sign of sunrise, either forego much-needed ablutions or reluctantly agree to my requests and drag in a chair and book while showering, announce that they’ve invited friends to stay over – indefinitely . Parental rules, routines and curfews are looked upon with a derisive eye-roll (“just chill no- as if you’re some weirdo warden”) Their laundry is taken care of, as are their phone balance and bank balance. Haircuts, nail cuts, a daily change of clothes, weekly change of bedlinen – things i thought shared dna would perpetuate are all looked on with indulgent disdain. My car is almost always “borrowed” –to drop off “random” friends – once, the entire football team post game – and casually returned with the frightening bouquet of smells involving that many unwashed persons of questionable bathing history. The zoologist –in- making meanwhile has usurped my work-laptop for her “study projects” – which feature rather new age zoological animals like hugh jackman. (“just chill ma- i need the laptop for my research project next semester”) – what research - habits of Hollywood wolverines?
Ever the optimistic mother, i tried to bring some order into their frivolous young lives and asked for help in the kitchen. The Spinoza - reading engineer landed up somewhat quickly and without his customary arguments – but with the electric guitar and a playlist that may have soured the milk at home that day. There was no intention of flipping the chapatis with me – but an astonished “i’m helping you make your work chill no?”
The two adult-kids have brought back a crates of old books and files, unwashed clothing, gym thingees and guitar paraphernalia, more chargers and wires than NASA might possess, shoes that have been used and abused,. My reminders to them about clearing up some of this always has one answer “just chill no ma- i’ll do it tomorrow”. Fair enough – perhaps they miss their insouciant hostel lives – and so create a slice of that nonchalance here at home. But when they + most of their possessions + their many “cool” friends are a constant fixture in my room and on my bed – i’m not just chillin – i’m going cold thinking that it is true after all- you do checkout anytime you like but you don’t ever leave.
